Stephen Lewis
Posted: Friday, May 15, 2009 12:00 am

I'm mad as #@*! and I'm not gonna take it anymore! I don’t "Want to hold your Hand," Beatles 1963. I don't "Want you to want Me," Cheap Trick 1977. And I certainly don't "Want My MTV," Dire Straits 1985. Heck, I don't even want my babyback, babyback, babyback ribs. I just want my free two-piece grilled chicken meal from KFC and I want it now!

A lot of things grind my gears but nothing really chaps my a... ankles, yes ankles, quite like false advertising. And the worst part is it's everywhere. I remember back in 10th grade when Mr. Cates explained to us how businesses would use tactics like the old "bait and switch" scam.

Maybe that's what KFC is trying. "Come on in and try a free two piece grilled chicken meal which doesn't exist but instead order a 15 piece bucket with two sides, biscuits, and a gallon of tea for $30.” So much for the free meal, huh.

Actually when I go to KFC I either order the liver, gizzards, and hearts dinner or the 3-piece meal with extra skin. It just depends on whether I'm in an inside the chicken or outside the chicken mood. Of course I completely cover both with enough gravy to drown a puppy.

But back to the false advertising. Nowadays it's not just big corporations like KFC that make things up. My wife recently talked me into going to a yard sale because the newspaper ad said "Huge Yard Sale! Something for everyone. Antiques, house wares, tools, etc. Don't Miss this One."

What it should have said was "Huge Disappointment! Nothing for Anyone. Stuff we should throw away but we're willing to sit out here for six hours to make ten bucks. Don't Bother." And so another five minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Recently I saw an ad online that promised you could get rid of unsightly cellulite by rubbing their cream on the affected area. Since I always want to look good in a swimsuit and summer is quickly approaching I decided to try the product. But instead of rubbing the cream on the affected area I thought it would be best to try the all over approach.

I bought five cases and dumped all of it into our fancy bathtub we never use. Every night for a week I crawled into the tub and sat in a pool of goo the likes of which I've never seen. When I got out of the tub and looked at myself in the mirror I realized what the abominable snowman would look like if global warming ever occurred where he lived.

The cream didn't work, I slipped once and hit my head on the toilet, and when I called the number for my money back guarantee, the company had given up the cellulite business and moved on to a new cream that was guaranteed to remove tattoos. Either way I'm out $446 and I'm still having dizzy spells from the fall.

So as you can see, false advertising can pop up anywhere. Big corporations, Internet companies, and even someone in your neighborhood can be guilty of it.

Personally, I think a hefty fine and a short prison sentence might make people less likely to try and scam the rest of us. And I think it should apply to everyone regardless of the situation.

Anyway, thanks for letting me get this off my chest. And don't forget to read my column next week because I am guaranteeing it will not only add five years to your life but it will also improve your marriage, grow hair, help you catch more fish, make you more attractive to the opposite sex, and help you lose that last 15 pounds. I promise!